Written by Jonathan Aryeh Wayne, November 9, 2017

You Millennial, need constant approval
As you’re so insecure with labels
And your iPhone is with you constantly
But you’re too afraid to speak into it

You Millennial, make everything into an acronym
While you average around 98 texts a day
But you act without passion
As you glare passive-aggressively at me

You Millennial, think that issues are more important
Than political leaders or candidates
And you tinker instead of dream
But who will take action for you

You Millennial, never heard the song “Blind Youth” by the Human League
Where the lyrics written in 1979 stated the following:
Dehumanization, it’s easy to say
But if you’re not a hermit, you’ll know the city’s okay

You Millennial, are both humorless and optimistic
Capitalism and business are important to you
But you embrace the system
That you so much want to change

You Millennial. are all about sharing your life
With meaningless words and snapshots
But you need to be reassured of your decisions
So you’re politically and socially correct

You Millennial, are up along the High Line texting
With your sacred phone in your right hand
But you walk past all sorts of art installations
Missing the world right in front of your eyes

You Millennial, have wires sticking out of your ears
You’re too afraid of talking to a stranger while in a cafe
But when you send a message online
You need to first prove that you’re not a Robot

You Millennial, have a monotone voice
And when you talk too fast, you sound unhuman
But you’ve been drained in an age of social media
Because you spent too many hours learning HTML

You Millennial, embrace Trader Joes
You binge on your favorite plastic wrapped junk food
And then you take a selfie of your poison
Before you gorge on beer and coffee

You Millennial, must prove to your online world
That your life revolves around food
And you need to take a picture of it
So you don’t grow anxious later that evening

You Millennial, don’t know how to be subtle
You need the spice level to be off the chart
You need it to be overly sweet or cheesy
Because nuance doesn’t exist in your world

You Millennial, believe food is a status symbol
There are restaurants you must right tick online
There are dishes you must try
Because enough people said so already

You Millennial, are emotionally attached to food
It’s no wonder you’ve gained so much weight
But as long you document your night out in the city
You can wake up to a fresh new day slightly hung over

You Millennial, have an annual gym membership
Yet you wear synthetic perfumes and fragrances
That disrupt your endocrine system
And make you retain the weight that you’re trying to lose

You Millennial, you’re one of those skinny types
With an unusually fast metabolism
Yet you’re unaware that eating deep fried organic bacon ice cream pies
Causes you to have a fatty liver leading to heart disease

You Millennial, are too sensitive to hear criticism
Because you’re self-important with your Youtube channel
And you’re video blogging every day
Because you have to gain more subscribers

You Millennial, need to include as many hashtags as possible
So you can maintain accuracy and consistency
Remembering to re-post your mediocre photos
On both Instagram, Facebook and Twitter

You Millennial, like it loud and noisy
Because your yoga class already blissed you out earlier
But you don’t realize that you’re slowly losing your hearing
As you cause other people to lose their voice shouting to be understood

You Millennial, can’t sleep at night
Because you’re too busy checking your posts on Instagram
And you’re slowly losing your vision
Not knowing you’ll be blind by the time you’re a senior citizen

You Millennial, lack empathy and consideration
You know how to turn yourself into a marketing brand
You’ve become too narcissistic for your own good
As you experience phantom pocket-vibration syndrome

You Millennial, use your phone like a slot machine
Your endorphins are released when you are rewarded
But your prize is a superficial word of validation
As you selfishly share stupidity, stunting spirituality

You Millennial, need grand admiration
You believe “everyone is special” no matter what
Even if you’re suffering from an inflated ego
And having a hard time looking someone in the eye

You Millennial, need a wake up call
Because someday the internet may cease to exist
And in the end, you might not need to verify the words: “I’m not a Robot”
Because, unlike you, I’m not a Robot.