Written by Jonathan Aryeh Wayne, October 8, 2016


Somewhere out there, a pig can roll a joint
They oink and boink and never disappoint
Never in the face of fear does a dumpster frown
Even if inside lived a homeless, drunken clown

A bushel of tomatoes, a carton of peppers
Choosers have nothing on hungry beggars
Juicy and heavenly and oh so succulent
A pig would never need another supplement

Look at all the nutritious food that goes to waste
There’s so much those people ought to embrace
Wild horses trample and deceptive snakes slither
But a pig like him knows how to beg to differ

More intelligent than a loyal hunting dog
More charming than a friendly barn mouse
And happier than a greedy poker player
Who flushes the toilet for a full house


How can one deny the furry soft pink
From a record store owner’s fishy blink
Especially after a Hamtramck jaunt
Only to be graced by a cynical taunt

He is not air that needs to be bottled
Nor flying around without earth to be throttled
For he roams near trees of old bamboo
Beaming back images of a mushroom stew

This clever pig must have read my mind
For it is he who commited an innocent crime
He drowned in a dumpster full of veggies
Breaking the record for too many wedgies


He wanted his next sport to be mattressing
To recapture his years of collegiate practicing
Finding himself passed out on a twin sized bed
Only to discover he was with 4 others instead

But no worries anymore for he’s sober now
He can hoot and holler like a sacred cow
And shit can shine like a bird’s behind
Just like Icelandic men can eat cantelope rind

If one forgets the swimming trunks for the sauna
Be wary of the Russian hunks from Tijuana
A bathhouse this ancient was built by cavemen
Served with fish and steak by many unshaven

Yet, all he needs to do is loosen the phlegm
To release the toxins amidst the mayhem
An oak leaf broom would be a miracle right now
If it could only scratch his right eyebrow


Jeepers, he’s living like a Venetian king
A biblical dreamer who knows how to sing
Whether its showering at noon or 1pm
Water doesn’t stop running in Bethlehem

Searching for fragrant truffles far and wide
It’s a respectful collection for Jekyll and Hyde
If floor lamps are not to be found at night
It would be far worse than whites taking flight

A pain in the ass is what needs to be said
If one needs to shut the light to get out of bed
Not to mention blackened floors that are toxic
Due to the Airbnb host who was caustic

Extortion was the name of that devil’s game
To ruin the reputation of Jonathan Wayne
Neither a horse nor pig gives into shame
If given a choice between sugar or aspartame


There are planets out there just for pigs
Pigs that eat sausage, bacon and spare ribs
And though the satellites are made of pepperoni
There’s no baloney about their sanctimony

There is one lesson to be learned on this day
Tailgaters are found on the barbeque skyway
But if you come across an animal that can roar
Always remember it is one eccentric boar